Maa

The same square room

With whitewashed walls.

The TV blaring with something

To which no one is looking.

Rows of chairs and..........

And faces.

Shrunken and full of anxious pain.

Hollow looks and

Balding heads

From falling hair.

Some readied for radiotherapy.

Marked and stamped.

Awaiting to be dispatched to the world of death.

Others degenerated by

Chemotherapy.

Everything is still the same.

The same hopeless living pain.

Only faces have changed

And you are not there.

The smell of disinfectant and Death.

How you hated it!

But.. .it reminds me of you.

It makes me feel you and see you

And go back to the days when I used to bring you here.

Sometimes you arrived before.

I would join you after work.

Your face lit up every time you saw me.

Sitting close we would--

Chat on so many things

Waiting for the chemotherapy.

You pointed out to me who was who

And told me their stories.

If anybody looked you told them

That I belonged to you.

Waiting for me you had already made some friends.

I look around and still see you among them--

Trying to pick up a conversation.

Always the same question--

" Where?"and " how long?"

Exchanging notes on doctors and medicines,

Sharing tips on vitamins and nutrition.

You hated every moment of it.(I know)

But I never tried to feel what you felt.

I had no feelings then.

I only did one thing after another

And anything that I could do to make you feel better.

When your name was called ,

You went in for the occult medicine.

Bravely, you never complained of pain.

Returning home

we drank Daab And you insisted on buying

Guavas for father.

I stand and walk out of the room

To look around.

So many, Oh, so many!

The old , the young and the children.

Some faces hidden behind surgical masks

Some half covered with shawls,

Trying to hide the deadly sores.

Some limping,

Some trying to breathe,

Some without tongues and cannot speak.

Scooped out cheeks and

Cringing pain.

Panting voices seeking attention.

A little boy sits besides his mother.

Shaven head and rickety limbs,

Trying to eat a banana.

A man arrives on a stretcher

Surrounded by mother, father, sister and many others.

And that must be his wife--

Holding his hand and trying to make him

Drink some water.

His mother runs her fingers through his sparse hair,

Mumbling prayers.

Ahh....

Every where a sense of despair.

Maa

I long to hold you again.

To put my head on your shoulder and feel your Pain.

Wish I had not been so matter of fact

But I was only carrying out a balancing act.

I am so glad that

I was with you on your last evening.

I sang to you a song.

Held you close,

Propped you with pillows

And left you watching T V with Dad.

The next morning you died.

Ma I never cried

You knew how to let go.

MA

When I was Small

Many times I asked you Mom,

From where had I come?

You then told me a story

Of how you fell in love with me.

One day you and Bapi decided to have a baby.

You went to the hospital

to have a look.

"Why", I asked.

"Well", you answered," Thats where God sends babies

For parents to come and choose".

As you walked down the baby room

Looking at all the babies

Swathed and snuggled,

Sleeping with an angelic look,

There was this one baby,

Just refusing to sleep,

Kicking and crying,

Causing the nurses to get angry.

You took one one look

And there, she had you hooked.

For some days

You had to stay in the hospital

Learning to nurse and care.

All the nurses would be angry at you

For choosing a baby

Dark and curly.

Demanding and crying

And spoiling everyone's sleep.

You would feel guilty,

For sure the baby kept everyone busy.

But nothing mattered,

You loved me.

Ma , how I loved this story.

Ma I remember you

Pretty and young,

In the photograph

Where you are holding me

To face the camera-

Your laughing face,

Your hair lose,

Looking radiant and fresh from

Your bath.

And me-

Trying to stand

On your lap,

With chubby legs,

bewildered face,

In a white frock

And no panty.

I remember you Ma

Reading out to me the epics

As I lay beside you.

I remember you Ma

In a simple deep green sari that you wore

For Bhai's first party.

In school when you went to visit

Every one said that

My mother was very pretty.

I loved to sleep between you and Bapi

I loved to hold you

And snuggle up to your

Soft body.

Ma! Ma! Ma!

As I grew I hated you to be angry.

I hated when you forced me to

Clean cupboards and Knit mufflers

Just to keep me busy.

I hated your fastidiousness and strict face.

I began to hate my studies.

That made Bapi and you more angry.

I felt you loved

Bhai more than me.

Slowly I felt distanced

From you.

I couldn't communicate and share.

My thoughts were my own.

I soared with dreams that took me

Beyond the limits of the sky.

I would sit quietly for hours

In my own world of dreams.

You couldn't understand.

I wouldn't smile or talk.

Between us there was a rock.

I was growing to be myself.

I could't be what you wanted me to be.

I was good out side

And naughty inside.

It hurt that Bapi and you couldn't

Be my friends.

In school

How I made every one laugh!

Ma do you know

The number of times

I have dreamt at night

Of you two back to taking care of

Bhai and me at Phuguri?

We used to be so happy!

I don't want you both to be old.

It is scaring to think that

One day you won't be there,

That one day I won't hear

Your voice on the phone,

And suddenly one day-

We won't have to worry for you.

I see both of you

Thinning day by day.

For you the Cancer

And for Bapi ,

Your slow cancerous ebb.

Both Bhai and me-

We do what we have to do.

We immerse ourselves

In our lives

Trying to forget

The fear and pain of losing you.

We love you.