MA

When I was Small

Many times I asked you Mom,

From where had I come?

You then told me a story

Of how you fell in love with me.

One day you and Bapi decided to have a baby.

You went to the hospital

to have a look.

"Why", I asked.

"Well", you answered," Thats where God sends babies

For parents to come and choose".

As you walked down the baby room

Looking at all the babies

Swathed and snuggled,

Sleeping with an angelic look,

There was this one baby,

Just refusing to sleep,

Kicking and crying,

Causing the nurses to get angry.

You took one one look

And there, she had you hooked.

For some days

You had to stay in the hospital

Learning to nurse and care.

All the nurses would be angry at you

For choosing a baby

Dark and curly.

Demanding and crying

And spoiling everyone's sleep.

You would feel guilty,

For sure the baby kept everyone busy.

But nothing mattered,

You loved me.

Ma , how I loved this story.

Ma I remember you

Pretty and young,

In the photograph

Where you are holding me

To face the camera-

Your laughing face,

Your hair lose,

Looking radiant and fresh from

Your bath.

And me-

Trying to stand

On your lap,

With chubby legs,

bewildered face,

In a white frock

And no panty.

I remember you Ma

Reading out to me the epics

As I lay beside you.

I remember you Ma

In a simple deep green sari that you wore

For Bhai's first party.

In school when you went to visit

Every one said that

My mother was very pretty.

I loved to sleep between you and Bapi

I loved to hold you

And snuggle up to your

Soft body.

Ma! Ma! Ma!

As I grew I hated you to be angry.

I hated when you forced me to

Clean cupboards and Knit mufflers

Just to keep me busy.

I hated your fastidiousness and strict face.

I began to hate my studies.

That made Bapi and you more angry.

I felt you loved

Bhai more than me.

Slowly I felt distanced

From you.

I couldn't communicate and share.

My thoughts were my own.

I soared with dreams that took me

Beyond the limits of the sky.

I would sit quietly for hours

In my own world of dreams.

You couldn't understand.

I wouldn't smile or talk.

Between us there was a rock.

I was growing to be myself.

I could't be what you wanted me to be.

I was good out side

And naughty inside.

It hurt that Bapi and you couldn't

Be my friends.

In school

How I made every one laugh!

Ma do you know

The number of times

I have dreamt at night

Of you two back to taking care of

Bhai and me at Phuguri?

We used to be so happy!

I don't want you both to be old.

It is scaring to think that

One day you won't be there,

That one day I won't hear

Your voice on the phone,

And suddenly one day-

We won't have to worry for you.

I see both of you

Thinning day by day.

For you the Cancer

And for Bapi ,

Your slow cancerous ebb.

Both Bhai and me-

We do what we have to do.

We immerse ourselves

In our lives

Trying to forget

The fear and pain of losing you.

We love you.

Leavings

The unthinkable has happened

Last night you told me that Rafique has left.

" Where"?

You could not tell.

"His Wife"? I asked.

You fumbled and mumbled.

You could not tell..

Then Farah, Rafique's sister came one day

She too said..

" You know Rafique has left."

" What happened", I asked?

"They were having problems", she said.

"And........",I opened questioned.

She looked here and there

But could not tell.

" You know, Rafique has left", "Rafique has left"

".... ..fique has left," " has left .. . " "has left.... left".

There was only one news everywhere that Rafique has left.

I was tired of the whole story.

Rafique was a good friend.

I worried about Reena.

No news of her what so ever.

I asked my husband.

He seemed to know but would not tell.

He fumbled and mumbled

And looked the other away.

Phone calls and hushed talks.

Eyes unable to meet.

Early departures and late arrivals.

Irate moods.

A gloom curtained my household.

fights started ,

lonely days ran ahead of me.

I couldn't understand the sudden change.

Reena would not answer my calls.

One day when I announced I would visit Reena

Sandip said she had left for her mother's.

It piqued me that no one would tell me anything more

Whatever had happened to Rafique....

I wanted to know more and more.

I called Reena...

Once ,twice, many times,

She would not answer.

Alone in the house one day

I suddenly was restless.

A voice inside me poked ,"Go, go",

I didn't know where...

I walked out of my door

Wild and disheveled,

Mad and in a trance

After ten days I went to Reena's.

Neighbours said,

I shouldn't go in.

I stood at her doorstep and called her.

She would not answer.

Eyes looked at me from all windows.

Everyone knew

We knew each other

Then why couldn't I be told?

With trembling hands and weak legs

I climbed up the one last step.

I wished for Sandeep's strong arms around me

Two days ago he had left on tour.

I hated to be alone .

God knows what had happened to my friend.

"Rafique has left", was all I knew.

I braced myself to ring the bell.

I heard the bell ring,

My mind swirling with all kinds of thoughts,

What could have happened to my friend.

I stood there for how long

I did not know.

My finger pressed on at the bell.

It rang and rang on .

All doors opened.

Eyes stared at me.

Mouths opened,

Some hands tried to pull me away.

I wouldn't go.

Soon other hands banged and

Many voices called for her to open the door.

I stood still waiting , I didn't know for how long.

Suddenly everything was quiet.

There were noises and voices from inside.

I waited with others outside,

Refusing to go.

All of a sudden the doors opened.

I stood and stared .

Turmoil in my heart.

Sweat dripping from my glands,

Hair disheveled,

Body quivering with unknown emotions

As Reena stared at me from behind Sandeep.

I could not speak any more.

Emptiness engulfed me.

Rafique had gone.

I turned,

Walked down the stairs.

All I wanted was to vanish

Into the wilderness of the world.

The next day

There was a new buzz

"Anna has left. .." ..."has left...." left"

"Anna has left...."

"Where, where", Sandip asked.

"You pushed her ,

Into the wilderness of the world",

Was all they said.