Free wheeling

1.My life,  

pages after pages 

Spiral bound with

memories.

2 Suddenly from the realms of my subconscious, springs this man.

Light cream shirt, brown trousers, stylishly dishevelled hair, standing on the road, in the middle of nowhere.

3.Aging to me is enigma.

If you have lived so long, you now know that you could die any day.

We never stop wanting to stop clinging onto youth. We visit salons, , do face firms and skin stretches. We cannot see our once taut skins  slowly sagging and wrinkling as deseases creep in .

I used to see my handsome father wilting away. How his legs thinned and body gave away. One day the pain overtook and he stopped smiling. But I remember the sweetest smile that he gave me when I visited him out of turn in the hospital. He was so happy .

It was a wonder, when he had lost count of days, he remembered my birthday. The moment I entered the ward for my evening visit , he said Happy Birthday.

That moment will remain engraved in my mind.

Yesterday , when I was in the diagnostic centre getting my self tested, a patient was brought down from the ICU for some tests. He was restless  .I was reminded of my father. His suffering s had started already this time last year

4 I visited my Uncle yesterday

  How age has withered him!

  How frail has he become!

  He swayed when he got up to walk

  His fingers trembled when he  tried to make a call.

 I watched my aunt who was once so stylish,

 I watched  how she had suddenly turned old

 I  witnessed their process of aging

 I felt death hammering on the door once more.

 We spoke of health,

 We spoke of illnesses

We spoke of what may happen if one of them die

 I sensed the fear,

 I sensed the sadness

But I enjoyed they old age love.

 When young, you may fight

You may not care,

You misunderstand and 

May have misgivings.

The when suddenly one day 

You realise that you are old--

You fall in love once again.

With children gone

leading their lives afar

The nearest you have is your spouse.

 You have made memories together,

You have , travelled together,

You have had children together,

Through thick and thin you have remained together

 So now you have only each other

 My heart filled with sadness once more

As i witnessed the decadence of life

One day you want so much

Next day  its nothing as such

 then suddenly it will be   Just

  Really. All is not lost.

 Hope begets hope. Joy begets joy,

I know that some day my dreams will merge to form a concrete reality. My subconscious mind wields its power, pulling me towards destiny.. Its is there , it is there. Hope hope every where.

 I will not stop till I face my truth,, till i do what i am meant to do. 

 GREEN GRASS BEFORE ME, the windows open, light breeze pushes the curtains now and then,

 I am content.

 I write, I shape, I walk, I gain as beauty surrounds me  I am thankful to God and look up towards heaven.

  

 I 

Dead

 Another Moment

It was the last day.

My mother refused to stay in bed

I put her on my feet ,

Held her  to my body 

And walked  her  to the TV room

I sat her down,

Propped her  with pillows

Lay my head on her shoulders 

 Held her close  and sang her a song

She corrected me when I went wrong .

After a while   I  said good bye.

It was Diwali.

I went for a party

I played cards the whole night

I returned  when it was early morn .

Got ready for bed.

 Just then my father called

Maa was dead

The mind sometimes

Nothing seems to change

Boredom sets in easily.

How easily can I say _

"Nothing is happening these days"

When everything about life is about change.

The sky is not the same everyday,

My thoughts are ever changing,

Every day I get a little older

And every step that I take

Takes me closer towards my destiny.

There is so much that we don't see

And so less that we see

That we often miss the signposts

In our hurry to be happy.

What can really make one happy?

The bird, the sky?

A new dress or

Success?

What is success?

Money?Car?

A new job?

A promotion?

Your children going abroad

Or plenty in the bank stashed away?

I have no answer to these many questions.

I myself is a seeker of happiness,

A ever wanting unsatisfied mind

Trying to reach one goal after another.

Forgetting to see the sky

and the trees .

Smell the earth,

Feel the wind,

Watch the moon and

Thank God for everyting

Trials

Hazy
Misty
Cloudy
Wintery.

Alone in this  hazy , misty, dawn.

I  wake to a cloudy, wintery morn.

Loving

Caring

Slowly

Growing.

 

Slowly growing from that detached  being

I am now a loving caring evolved self.

 

 

 

Working

Learning

Trying

Evolving

 

Working and Learning in this pandemic world

Trying , evolving to  the new conditions unfurled 

 

I see

               Running.
              Rushing.
           Struggling.
        Striving.
   Hurrying
      

For what?

       
         Money?
              Curry?
                 Study?
                    Marry?
                         Baby?

 For what ?

                         Living.

                      Dreaming.

                  Wishing.

              Fulfilling.

Then what ?

                 Loving.

                     Caring.

                           Hurting

                                  Aging.

                                        Dying.

.

                     

 

    

Identity

Human face.
No eyes.
No ears.
No nose .
No mouth to speak.
Just a mask in a gallery.

Only holes for what is missing.
Who is going to wear it?

Why don't you give it --
Your nose,
Your ears,
Your eyes?
And that mouth--
It definitely needs to speak!

If it is you that it is meant for
Then feel the emotions vibrating
in your chest.
Give the mouth your voice.
Let your message resonate in your brain.
Let the nose pucker up,
The ears open wide
And the eyes shine.

Let it not be just a mask in a gallery.
Give it your feelings and your voice.
You don't want to remain
Just a mask in the gallery.
Remember,
Your voice is your identity.

Pain

I hear of death -
Of  a sudden  loss.
A friend's brother,
A neighbor's son ,

A mother, or a grand mother ,

A friend, a sister ,

As on and on the stories go
I am filled with remorse.

I have lost so many uncles and aunts.
I have lost grand parents whom I loved.
I have lost a very dear friend whose thoughts still choke.
Above all I've lost my mother ,

Whose death I could not grieve

Because of sorrows that lie so deep.

Death.
It fills me with remorse

How do we cope.?
How do we cope?

Death .
It fills me with remorse.

The sudden loss
Comes with a disarray.
An emptiness that is spaceless
A habit that suddenly won't be there
A face , that we won't ever see
A voice, that will never be heard .
A hand, that won't ever pick up the phone to ask.
A mouth,  that will never say comforting words again.
No place to rest our heads and forget the pain.

As the years go by the numbers grow.
And with each death behind us, we grow.

As the petals fall one by one 

We remain  but pollen dusts.

Hanging on to our dear lives

Till the winds decide to blow us away. 

As someone's father, mother, or uncle, and aunt, 

Brother ,sister , grand parents and spouse ,

We scatter, and cause disarray ,

In the lives of those we leave behind.

I fear the day that I shall die

My daughter will  then feel the same as I .

 No more will she be a child again ,

A mothers loss is a terrible pain !